Not my office, I meant “The Office” television show. The Office is one of the greatest sitcoms over the past two decades, a clear winner in my opinion! There’s a story in each episode that’s dying to be heard/told. However, for a disclaimer – even if you watched half of these taped programs it will still be office “light”, for another of my opinions. The truth is, I’ve seen shenanigans play out in the offices I’ve been a part of in my life which would top these written episodes. Some of those I will keep close to the vest [in order to protect the innocent and the not-so innocent alike]. 🙂 Office shenanigans are never all bad for you stuff, some are hilarious, just like a television program.

And so it is, with everything good in life it must come to an end at some point so I guess we can live vicariously with these mostly dis-functional employees and employers through the reruns. I do catch a few episodes each week and still find one or two I’ve not seen before. I won’t reveal all I’ve seen play out in the many offices I’ve been associated with, save for a few highlights. I can imagine each of us has an “office” story? Two facts that are interesting here regarding the TV show – one is these episodes are not all fiction, most of this stuff and even more is happening now in some office around the country. Two, there’s something about packing employees and bosses and telephones and computers and printers and intercoms and kitchens and water coolers inside tight quarters. What do you expect to happen? Something out of the ordinary/strange is bound to happen given each individuals unique personality and circumstances. So what is it about office environments that bring out some of the best and worse in all of us? I’m not certain of the answer but I know this – offices in America are competitive environments [in general] where in many cases “saving your own ass” and paycheck can turn into cutthroat behavior. Then there’s other times when office antics take over [and usually] at the expense of another employee. We may be getting close to pay-dirt by realizing that office environments are more competitive than sports leagues.

The Number One Factor in Any Office
Let’s get this out of the way first. Remember the saying “shit rolls downhill”? Nothing is closer to the truth than working inside an office. The boss or bosses establish what “that is and will be and if what’s coming down from the top is ugly well then you better believe it doesn’t get any prettier as it rolls downhill to the lowest level employee. This is why it’s very important to “know” who you’re working for and reporting to, just to “survive”. Whatever affliction the boss has, that will be affecting everyone beneath him or her as the workdays progress. Now aren’t paychecks wonderful?

Recalling Some Office Things
When putting this article together it took a while longer than usual because there are some things I cannot mention here and as much as I would like to say something like “You Won’t Believe This One!” I can’t, it just wouldn’t be right. However, I can mention a few things, “office light”. I worked in the steel industry at a few places, selling oil field casing and tubing. At one large steel maker there was a cute receptionist and we’d chat every once in awhile. I had a weekend river rafting trip coming up with friends (and wasn’t dating anyone). I mentioned it to her and she said she would love to join me on the trip. I knew she was dating an older guy(?) but she didn’t say anything about a conflict, so I never brought it up. The beginning of the weekend and we arrive on the chosen campground along the river and found our group. I introduced her around as we set up the our tent for the night. Life is good when you’re 20 somethings. The next morning I wake up, I’m laying flat on my back, we both had the same thin cover over us. The morning Sun is now peaking through the tent forcing my eyes open as I turned to look at her, she’s staring down at my huge stiffy poking up from the cover. Surprise! Ugh. Well she did suggest later that we both slip in the tent early that night so I thought that maybe I’d get lucky on night two but it wasn’t to be, as that day progressed she began to slip in some things about her (boyfriend). They eventually married some months later.

A couple years later I worked in an office this time for a pipe distributor. The owner was an entrepreneur who had done well and put together just a handful of employees to run an office in an upscale area of Houston. The smaller the number of employees equates to people who are going to get to know each other pretty well, to say the least. Some months go by and the owner had a full bar in his office and happy hour began whenever it began, no later than that! He had a younger girlfriend who became his wife [but the union didn’t last long, she ended up in a tryst with her tennis instructor]. Then there was this guy I’d see coming in, usually around the end of the day, a Guido-looking Italian guy always in a sport coat with a voice right out of “The Godfather”. Turns out he was the owner’s bookie. [You can probably guess what happened next.] Well it didn’t take long before the owner’s legal counsel and I were both placing bets with Guido ourselves. Mostly college hoops with a few NBA games sprinkled in. What followed was the worse thing that could happen to a young man placing bets with a bookie – I was winning! I started out winning and kept winning when suddenly, out of the blue, things turned South and I began losing bets, then losing more bets, until finally I had one of those “Come to Jesus” moments. Soon enough my sports betting was over, and I was told that Guido will be at the office the very next day to collect that $1,200 I owed him. Ugh, I didn’t make a lot of money there so handing over that amount was psychologically difficult for me. Luckily, I had the cash but parting with it was tough to do at 26 years of age.

Oh My, Brokerage Firms!
If you never worked in a brokerage firm in the 1980’s you missed one of the greatest office romps in history! Even into the mid-90’s we were still at it. The most fun times I’ve ever had in an office were in those early years brokering stocks, bonds, mutual funds, even oil & gas plays. Back before there was caller ID they had 800 numbers where we could dial up women with sexy voices recording minutes of what she wasn’t wearing and what she wanted a man to do to her, all a listener had to do is stay on the phone. All the sales offices were glass so a couple of us would pick a broker to play a trick on. One of us would dial the number then just as she came on we’d forward it to the unsuspecting broker’s phone knowing full well that he would pick up immediately, then we would stand where we could see him having to listen to her 3-minute climaxing foray. We’d get a huge laugh out of it! But it was quickly back to “normal” in the office as only we knew who the culprit was. The comedy was in observing the broker’s facial expression then timing how long he stayed on the call. Did he always stay on the call to hear her entire x-rated spiel? Of course he did!

At brokerage firms back in the late 80’s there were no limits to “going too far” back then. I had excelled in my brokerage job and the Manager came by my desk in the afternoon to say that I had won a limousine trip to the dog races in Louisiana? I’d never been to a dog race and a limo ride to Louisiana and back to Houston sounded kind of fun(?). Two other brokers also won the same trip but only one of them could attend. So, the Manager comes out of his office to inform us that three girls from the office across town will be joining us on this trip. Late in the afternoon, the Limo pulls up on time in front of my place and the chauffeur hops out to introduce himself and open the door for me. Bill from my office greets me and offers to pour me a vodka tonic. I passed on that, and grabbed a beer instead. Our limo then heads over to pick up the three maidens from in front of their office building. Even though I had been at their office for meetings, none of them had I ever met – all three were in their 20’s, single, and good looking! Everyone piles in the limo and we’re off to the races! I remember there was some small talk and plenty of drinking going on – I mean what could possibly go wrong, right? 🙂 It wasn’t long before each girl kind of paired off with one of us. The exotic beauty with the perfect body sat next to me while one of the blondes was sitting across from us near enough to Bill. Bill was married which might have had something to do with what would happen later. The other cute blond didn’t have a match until the chauffeur and her began a loud chat back and forth between the front and the back of the vehicle. Soon enough that girl would disappear, moving up front to join the chauffeur. By the time we had dinner at a local Cajun restaurant and attended the dog races I was three sheets to the wind. On the way back to Houston it’s now pitch black inside that limo, and things are heating up both in the front and back of the vehicle. Me and mine are going at it while Bill’s apparent overtures received total rejection. Again, no one can see anything [not even a hand in front of their face] but we can hear everything! Bill’s voice begins to turn ugly as the girl next to him says out loud stuff like “stop touching me!” I tried not to laugh as their exchange went on for awhile. Then, in the middle of nowhere, under heavy fog near the state line with Texas, the limo slows off the highway to a crawl before pulling over to a complete stop. Now, sitting in the back we’re all wondering, “what’s going on”? Could there be an issue with the vehicle? The privacy glass between the front seat and the back of the limo was closed and no information was forthcoming. Bill begins a tirade with, “why are we stopped? I’ve got to get home!”, over and over. About that time, our answer – the limo starts rocking back and forth. I’m laughing my ass off! Accompanied with that we begin to hear some very muffled screams of pleasure now emanating from the front of the limo. It was all good, and soon enough we headed home again. As it turned out, the only one not okay with the chauffeur getting laid in his own front seat was Bill, who complained all the way back to Houston. I was trying to cool down the situation as I thought those two might go fist to cuffs for a minute there, but the rhetoric eventually stopped and things cooled down.

Me and that starlet did date for a time afterward but it was my fault it didn’t last. I was pretty freshly divorced and just wasn’t ready to get into something lasting. I quit asking her out and things cooled down. Then something totally out of the blue happened. One day at the firm an older broker transplanted from New Jersey comes up to me and says, “I got a question for you and you can say no, but…” He goes on to explain that since I’m single his daughter is coming home from college and although she’s younger than me would I mind taking her out, showing her a good time? Maybe a movie, maybe dancing? And oh by the way her girlfriend will be with her so, there’s two of them. I was like “I don’t know, I mean…” He kept going and I didn’t want to disappoint him so I said “okay, I’ll take them both out [together] and I’ll get them home safely.” I was probably 30 at the time and these two young ladies were in their early 20’s. They were both knockouts, especially his daughter but I was on my best behavior knowing I wouldn’t ever see them again. We had dinner at a nice restaurant before heading to a nearby live comedy club. A line has formed outside for tickets to the show and there I am with not one but two ladies. About that time I turn around and couldn’t believe my eyes, standing right behind us in line was the girl I met from the limo trip to Louisiana that worked at the other office, the girl I had broken it off with. She looked at me and both of those girls and if her face could kill I would have died that night. It would have taken me time to explain why I was with not only one girl but two girls, and why I… Anyway, it was awkward but I thought I better say something so I said, “hello” and she followed that by silence. 🙂 Some things don’t always appear as they are.

Stuff You Cannot Say
Even in the late 80’s at Smith Barney, there were precursors of what was to come for brokerages everywhere. Why are brokerage firms now the worst places to work in the United States in my opinion? They are so over-regulated, it’s truly insane! Maybe because brokers and managers of offices in the past took too much liberty with their words and actions. In one story, I was recruited to work for Smith Barney, I only knew a couple brokers in that office. I wasn’t there three months probably when I came into the office one morning to find things suddenly changed forever. The managing director who had hired me was abruptly fired. His replacement was now sitting in his corner office with the door open, an older gentleman, nice enough fellow. Turns out that a female broker in the office, (one of only two female brokers), probably late 30’s, very attractive woman, and connected to Houston money through I think her ex-husband? Apparently her birthday came up and being popular in that office, she was given birthday cards and a cake was cut to celebrate. Well, the managing director (unbeknownst to everyone else) took this opportunity to write inside her birthday card everything he wanted to do to her sexually. She was shocked when she read it and she abruptly reported him. I did not see the card but she described it to me as very inappropriate. It must have been way over the top because this was way before brokerage firms even thought about what they have in place now, private 800 numbers for the sole purpose of voicing complaints about fellow employees they want investigated and reprimanded, and/or fired! That’s how brokerages operate today, but that’s not the end of it, there’s even more. I don’t have time to go over all the suck ups that worked at Merrill to receive (undeserved) favoritism from Managing Directors during my 15 year stay. These are grown men I’m talking about that can’t make things happen by themselves, they had to have management do it for them. True ass-kissers!

Where Offices Go From Here
There’s one prediction I will make with confidence, and that is that “unique” office stories will never cease! Everyone of us who works in an office for a time will eventually come away with a story or three to tell. Why? Again, offices are made up of people, people who 90% of the time would never have run into each other in their entire lifetimes other than being employed in the same place at the same time. Now place those same individuals into relatively close proximity and see what happens. Of course “some thing” will happen – both good and bad things can occur. Now I can only speak for myself, my office stories have been “constructive” for the most part.

Note: This article was reduced/censored for a reason, as some of my office related stories serve no purpose to make public over social media sites.